Yuks

Harris Wittels

Stand-up comedian

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Comedy writer

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Actor

"Hello welcome to Analyze Phish. I'm Harris Wittels, and I'll be your tour guide through the cosmos. Sorry."

Categories

Actor

Alt comedian

Author

Born in the 1980s

Comedy writer

Dead

Emerson grad

Male

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A little about Harris

Phish Phandom

Harris was a dedicated fan of the band Phish. His mother Maureen estimated that he saw the band in concert over 300 times in his lifetime, and his contract for The Sarah Silverman Program was reportedly written to include time-off so he could follow ...

Word inventor

He coined the word "humblebrag" in 2010.

Overdose and tributes

Harris died of a heroin overdose on February 19th, 2015. Many tributes followed. The final episode of Parks and Recreation, "One Last Ride", aired a final frame with the message "We love you, Harris." Similarly, a frame, "Dedicated to the Memory o...

Dating a Scientologist

Harris once dated a girl whose family were Scientologists. He would end up joining Scientology temporarily just to be with the girl and even paid multiple hundred dollars, but realized he made a big mistake immediately and never went back.

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Harris' posts (104)

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Harris Wittels

Favorite film director

Harris Wittels

Favorite film director

Harris Wittels

Paul Thomas Anderson is the best filmmaker of all time past, present or future.

Harris Wittels

Elevator small talk

Harris Wittels

Elevator small talk

Harris Wittels

I looove lettin someone else handle the small talk on an elevator when a new guy gets on. Prob my biggest passion.

Harris Wittels

Eating fruit snacks in adulthood

Harris Wittels

Eating fruit snacks in adulthood

Harris Wittels

What's tightest about adulthood: if i open a pack of fruitsnacks and there ain't enuff reds, I can just CHUNK that bitch and open a new one.

Harris Wittels

Being nice

Harris Wittels

Being nice

Harris Wittels

Be nice to ALL babies because ya never know -- they could grow up to be hot.

Harris Wittels

Mike and Omar Epps ☁️

Harris Wittels

Mike and Omar Epps ☁️

Harris Wittels

That reminded me of when Mike and Omar would take out the trash when they were young boys... Good Epps.

Harris Wittels

Clapping ☁️

Harris Wittels

Clapping ☁️

Harris Wittels

When you see an audience clapping, it makes me feel like we’re animals. “I like that! I hit my hands!” It’s so dumb of us!

Harris Wittels

Infomaniac ☁️

Harris Wittels

Infomaniac ☁️

Harris Wittels

This is a true story: One time I said to a guy that I loved learning new things. I was like, “I’m a bit of an infomaniac.” And he thought I said nymphomaniac. So he fucked me. And I said, “No, no, no! I like info! I’m an infomanic!” and he said, “Well here’s some info, you just got fucked. Clean yourself up!”

Harris Wittels

Wheat thins ☁️

Harris Wittels

Wheat thins ☁️

Harris Wittels

Wheat thins? Call me when they’re Wheat THICKS! Gimme that wheat!

Harris Wittels

ISIS ☁️

Harris Wittels

ISIS ☁️

Harris Wittels

ISIS, You SIS, We all SIS for Ice Chris.

Harris Wittels

Masturbation statute of limitations ☁️

Harris Wittels

Masturbation statute of limitations ☁️

Harris Wittels

When is it not okay to jerk off to someone based off their memory?

Harris Wittels

Coins ☁️

Harris Wittels

Coins ☁️

Harris Wittels

Coins are so worthless now that it’s gone from “You can keep the change” to “Can you keep the change?”

Harris Wittels

Bathroom excesses ☁️

Harris Wittels

Bathroom excesses ☁️

Harris Wittels

You know how there’s like candy and mints in bathrooms sometimes? That’s the last place I want by open food is around all this shit!

Harris Wittels

What ☁️

Harris Wittels

What ☁️

Harris Wittels

You know when someone asks you a question, like if I said “Do you know the time” and you go “What? Oh it’s 7.” Why did you say “What?” You then went on to answer the question, so don’t fuckin’ waste my time.

Harris Wittels

Crave diet ☁️

Harris Wittels

Crave diet ☁️

Harris Wittels

I’m on a crave diet. Which is: whatever you crave, eat it!

Harris Wittels

Putting on socks ☁️

Harris Wittels

Putting on socks ☁️

Harris Wittels

I think there should be a contraption for putting on socks. But wouldn’t that be cool if there were two socks upright in this metal bracket on the ground and you just put your feet into it.

Harris Wittels

Twins ☁️

Harris Wittels

Twins ☁️

Harris Wittels

I know it’s not true, but I feel like twins get half the stuff in the womb.

Harris Wittels

Funny not funny ☁️

Harris Wittels

Funny not funny ☁️

Harris Wittels

This just says, “Dr. Strangelove is not funny. Karate is funny.”

Harris Wittels

Fun with words ☁️

Harris Wittels

Fun with words ☁️

Harris Wittels

(I call this one “Fun with words”). I’ve said, “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again” before, but I’ll say, “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again” again.

Harris Wittels

Orifice air expulsion ☁️

Harris Wittels

Orifice air expulsion ☁️

Harris Wittels

It’s funny that if air comes out of your butthole, it’s gross. If it comes out of your mouth, it’s funny. And if it comes out of your penis, it’s cool.

Harris Wittels

How-to-read book ☁️

Harris Wittels

How-to-read book ☁️

Harris Wittels

I bought a book on how to read. That thing was impossible to get through! (Then Scott explains that they did that exact joke – but better – on his TV show).

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Harris Wittels

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