In life, if someone farts it’s funny. If you go into a guy’s bathroom, everyone’s just farting and being very serious. Why is it not funny in there? It’s hilarious still!

When someone talks about like, “I just met this girl and she was down for whatever.” That just means like ass fucking. That’s the only other thing!

You know old wives' tales? Are the wives old or is the tale?

Can I ask you a question, Scott? Cause I can’t find this anywhere. Is the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire?

Rolling Stones, “Who Do You Love?” Grammatically a disaster. It should be “Whom Do You Love?

It’s funny that if air comes out of your butthole, it’s gross. If it comes out of your mouth, it’s funny. And if it comes out of your penis, it’s cool.

Did I tell you I went window-shopping in New York last week? I bought a window.

Harris: This is just true: My uncle had a store that he sold drums and sofas in. (I’m gonna leave that preposition dangling). He charged people percussion. My other uncle, his brother, my dad, worked at a store that sold Shakespeare plays and brass instruments, and that store was called “Tuba or Not Tuba.” And then his brother, my uncle (the first guy) he took a cue from my dad, from “Tuba or Not Tuba.” (These all failed on the first day.) They opened a sushi restaurant together called “Tuna or Not Tuna” and that really doesn’t make any sense unless you’ve heard of the first store. A lot of people didn’t know that and it just tanked within the first hour. Scott: Wait, is “tanked” the joke, ...[Read more]

That reminded me of when Mike and Omar would take out the trash when they were young boys... Good Epps.

I wanna open a Jamaican, Irish, Spanish small plate, breakfast restaurant and call it “Tapas the Mornin’ to Jah!”

I treated myself to a marathon jerk sesh last night. Not what it sounds like: I watched “The Jerk” twice while masturbating.

Neo-Nazi Supremes cover band called “The Supremacists”.

What do you get when you cross the holocaust with a baby-clothing store? Oshkosh B’g-Auschwitz.

You know old wives' tales? Are the wives old or is the tale?

Do you ever wonder if you’ll ever fall down again? It sucks that you can’t avoid that.

Where there’s a will there’s a Wayans.

That’s tight, like oh so many assholes.

This is just an argument that I will start with someone cause it will always make them angry: The Beatles are only as good as they are because they got to play it first, cause a lot of music wasn’t already taken. So if you take the Silversun Pickups, who I don’t like that much but they are musicians and they are a band. I think if they were born in Liverpool in 1950s whatever, they would’ve discovered “hey maybe if we distort our guitars and shout a little bit.” They could’ve done that and we would’ve been like “Oh, they’re The Beatles.” So that’s why I’ll say that the Silversun Pickups are as good as The Beatles.

I’m on a crave diet. Which is: whatever you crave, eat it!

This is my impression of a good dentist with a good family: “Getting my son to clean his room is like pulling teeth! Really easy!”