I treated myself to a marathon jerk sesh last night. Not what it sounds like: I watched “The Jerk” twice while masturbating.

Did I tell you I went window-shopping in New York last week? I bought a window.

Coins are so worthless now that it’s gone from “You can keep the change” to “Can you keep the change?”

I think that instead of them trying to desalinize the ocean, they should just add pepper!

A watched pot never boils? Yes it does.

Church is just a book club about the bible.

When is it not okay to jerk off to someone based off their memory?

I’ve decided that I’m not gonna get married until gay people can get married. Cause I’m gay!

If there’s three people sitting in the back seat of a car or something… Say I’m in the middle, and Huell and Michael are on either side of me, and people go: “Hey that’s a Huell and Michael sandwich!” But no, cause you don’t identify a sandwich by its bread. You don’t say it’s a white-bread sandwich.

Hotel checkout is 11 but check in is 3, so … the fuck? I imagine it’s for cleaning but it doesn’t take that long to clean. I guess just make check out later.

You know when someone asks you a question, like if I said “Do you know the time” and you go “What? Oh it’s 7.” Why did you say “What?” You then went on to answer the question, so don’t fuckin’ waste my time.

I was out of dish detergent, so I tried to use dish soap, which was a disaster. And then I ran out of ranch dressing, so I used dish soap. Disaster. And then because I was using so much dish soap, I ran out, so I tried to clean dishes with peanut butter. Success!

This is just a beef I have with The Wallflowers’s Song “One Headlight.” There’s a lyric in there that goes “I turn the engine but the engine doesn’t turn.” So you didn’t turn the engine, you motherfucker! Just the key!

If someone’s being egregious, call them Egregious Philbin.

I’m not impressed by juggling. Ok whatever you learned how to do that. That’s not a thing I chose to learn.

I’ve decided that how much it would cost for me to only eat Vienna sausages in those little cans at 7-11 for two weeks straight, that’s all I eat, is $60,000 tax free. I just thought about that and I think that’s the amount it would take.

Harris: This is just true: My uncle had a store that he sold drums and sofas in. (I’m gonna leave that preposition dangling). He charged people percussion. My other uncle, his brother, my dad, worked at a store that sold Shakespeare plays and brass instruments, and that store was called “Tuba or Not Tuba.” And then his brother, my uncle (the first guy) he took a cue from my dad, from “Tuba or Not Tuba.” (These all failed on the first day.) They opened a sushi restaurant together called “Tuna or Not Tuna” and that really doesn’t make any sense unless you’ve heard of the first store. A lot of people didn’t know that and it just tanked within the first hour. Scott: Wait, is “tanked” the joke, ...[Read more]

It sucks knowing my kids will never know what it’s like to go to a Blockbuster. Cause I’m not letting ‘em go there. The prices are outrageous!

Downhill and uphill are both bad, it’s weird that they both mean a bad thing. “It’s all downhill from here” or “it’s all uphill from here.” Those are both shitty!

I know it’s not true, but I feel like twins get half the stuff in the womb.