You know Amazon the website? What does that look like in person? That’s gotta be one big room, huh?

If you go into a bank, can you get in trouble for yelling, “everybody get down!” without a gun or anything? Can you get in trouble for telling everyone to get down? No, James Brown does it every night!

You know how there’s like candy and mints in bathrooms sometimes? That’s the last place I want by open food is around all this shit!

If you’re looking for a book in the self-help section, and you can’t find it, do you ask? (That joke’s called “Shelf-help”).

This is a true sidebar: I just saw that Jennifer Convertibles just opened up a car dealership. It’s called Jennifer Sofas.

That’s tight, like oh so many assholes.

Downhill and uphill are both bad, it’s weird that they both mean a bad thing. “It’s all downhill from here” or “it’s all uphill from here.” Those are both shitty!

If someone’s being egregious, call them Egregious Philbin.

I was out of dish detergent, so I tried to use dish soap, which was a disaster. And then I ran out of ranch dressing, so I used dish soap. Disaster. And then because I was using so much dish soap, I ran out, so I tried to clean dishes with peanut butter. Success!

I’ve seen Julianne Moore’s tits more than my own penis!

That guy I was telling you about, my friend in high school that did heroin? He was a good student, and he did do a lot of heroin and with used needles. He got straight aids.

What’s Bill Cosby’s stance on jello shots? Conflicted? Probably.

My friend can’t read and he’s trying to be a DJ. His DJ name is JD Dyslexic.

This is a character that’s only read the word “thermometer” but has never said it out loud: “Hey, what temperature does it say on that thermo-meter?”

My therapist told me to look inward, and I thought he said “Look, N-word.”

Harris: This is just true: My uncle had a store that he sold drums and sofas in. (I’m gonna leave that preposition dangling). He charged people percussion. My other uncle, his brother, my dad, worked at a store that sold Shakespeare plays and brass instruments, and that store was called “Tuba or Not Tuba.” And then his brother, my uncle (the first guy) he took a cue from my dad, from “Tuba or Not Tuba.” (These all failed on the first day.) They opened a sushi restaurant together called “Tuna or Not Tuna” and that really doesn’t make any sense unless you’ve heard of the first store. A lot of people didn’t know that and it just tanked within the first hour. Scott: Wait, is “tanked” the joke, ...[Read more]

Hotel checkout is 11 but check in is 3, so … the fuck? I imagine it’s for cleaning but it doesn’t take that long to clean. I guess just make check out later.

So I was thinking about how a lot of people feel shame while they masturbate. Actually, I feel like if God didn’t want us to “j that shit off,” he wouldn’t have given us small sandwich baggies filled with warm grape jelly and rubber bands.

Downhill and uphill are both bad, it’s weird that they both mean a bad thing. “It’s all downhill from here” or “it’s all uphill from here.” Those are both shitty!

Do you ever wonder if you’ll ever fall down again? It sucks that you can’t avoid that.