This is topical about Earwolf. Jeff from Earwolf just had a baby, and they named the baby “Arden.” Do you think before that happened they said, “Let’s name her Arden in here!”

I think that an e-mail should be called an e-letter. You say, “I just got an e-mail”, but you wouldn’t say “I just got a mail.” You’d sound stupid.

I’ve decided that I’m not gonna get married until gay people can get married. Cause I’m gay!

Wheat thins? Call me when they’re Wheat THICKS! Gimme that wheat!

Rolling Stones, “Who Do You Love?” Grammatically a disaster. It should be “Whom Do You Love?

When people genuinely thanked Einstein, do you think it sounded sarcastic?

My therapist told me to look inward, and I thought he said “Look, N-word.”

You know how people over-pronounce something they’ll go “HW-eat thin!” or “HW-ile.” That’s a thing that proper folk do. But it should be “W-Heat thin” or “W-Hile”. Why does the H come before the W just because you’re pronouncing it like that?

It’s silly that when you’re in a cold car and you want heat, cold air comes out first and it makes you colder. They should fix that!

Neo-Nazi Supremes cover band called “The Supremacists”.

You know how everyone says if you’re gonna get a dog you should adopt it? All fucking dogs are adopted! No one shoots dogs out of their pussies. Unless you’re Mrs. Brodis, Snoop’s mom.

I hate smoking sections, unless we’re talking about the movie The Mask, with Jim Carrey. Then the smoking section is my favorite part!

I think that Freud just really wanted to fuck his mom and then was like “Hey guys, isn’t it crazy that we all wanna do that?” And then his friends were probably like “I don’t!” And he’s like “Yeah you do, I’m fuckin’ Freud”.

Does anyone genuinely know why at grocery stores they offer a cash back option? Is that just to be nice? That’s like the bank offering you zucchinis!

That guy I was telling you about, my friend in high school that did heroin? He was a good student, and he did do a lot of heroin and with used needles. He got straight aids.

This is just an argument that I will start with someone cause it will always make them angry: The Beatles are only as good as they are because they got to play it first, cause a lot of music wasn’t already taken. So if you take the Silversun Pickups, who I don’t like that much but they are musicians and they are a band. I think if they were born in Liverpool in 1950s whatever, they would’ve discovered “hey maybe if we distort our guitars and shout a little bit.” They could’ve done that and we would’ve been like “Oh, they’re The Beatles.” So that’s why I’ll say that the Silversun Pickups are as good as The Beatles.

Rolling Stones, “Who Do You Love?” Grammatically a disaster. It should be “Whom Do You Love?

Where there’s a will there’s a Wayans.

I was out of dish detergent, so I tried to use dish soap, which was a disaster. And then I ran out of ranch dressing, so I used dish soap. Disaster. And then because I was using so much dish soap, I ran out, so I tried to clean dishes with peanut butter. Success!

I’m pretty sad today. I just had my first unenjoyable Gotye listening session. I knew it was coming but now it’s just “Somebody That I Used to Know” that I used to know.