Did you know I graduated college early? It was like 7 AM.

What do you get when you cross the holocaust with a baby-clothing store? Oshkosh B’g-Auschwitz.

I’m starting a campaign to change bygones into something. Everyone’s always trying to let them be bygones.

I think there should be a contraption for putting on socks. But wouldn’t that be cool if there were two socks upright in this metal bracket on the ground and you just put your feet into it.

When is it not okay to jerk off to someone based off their memory?

Can I leave on a good invention I thought of? Food tape: it’s like edible adhesive tape that you can put around ice cream cones, or your sandwiches if they break, or your tacos, and it’s edible and flavorless. Oh, but there’s a slogan too: “Cause food breaks!”

I went to a Jack-in-the-Box that was open 24 hours and I got there at the 26th hour and it was closed.

If someone’s being egregious, call them Egregious Philbin.

I’m not gay but my asshole is.

This is just an argument that I will start with someone cause it will always make them angry: The Beatles are only as good as they are because they got to play it first, cause a lot of music wasn’t already taken. So if you take the Silversun Pickups, who I don’t like that much but they are musicians and they are a band. I think if they were born in Liverpool in 1950s whatever, they would’ve discovered “hey maybe if we distort our guitars and shout a little bit.” They could’ve done that and we would’ve been like “Oh, they’re The Beatles.” So that’s why I’ll say that the Silversun Pickups are as good as The Beatles.

I’ve seen Julianne Moore’s tits more than my own penis!

You know how everyone says if you’re gonna get a dog you should adopt it? All fucking dogs are adopted! No one shoots dogs out of their pussies. Unless you’re Mrs. Brodis, Snoop’s mom.

I think it’s insane that car radios exist. Period. All it is, it’s only a distraction. Like “oh I’m bored driving this two ton piece of metal, I should be able to do another activity”? And that car companies are like “Yes, this is a standard thing, this distraction we’ll put in your car.” We should only be driving like “whoa!!” the whole time!

I’ve decided that how much it would cost for me to only eat Vienna sausages in those little cans at 7-11 for two weeks straight, that’s all I eat, is $60,000 tax free. I just thought about that and I think that’s the amount it would take.

Remember a time when everyone in America just seemed to have steak in their refrigerators, and they would put it on someone’s eye if they had a black eye? You don’t see that much anymore.

Hey Brussels sprouts and broccolini, enjoy your 15 minutes!

This is just an argument that I will start with someone cause it will always make them angry: The Beatles are only as good as they are because they got to play it first, cause a lot of music wasn’t already taken. So if you take the Silversun Pickups, who I don’t like that much but they are musicians and they are a band. I think if they were born in Liverpool in 1950s whatever, they would’ve discovered “hey maybe if we distort our guitars and shout a little bit.” They could’ve done that and we would’ve been like “Oh, they’re The Beatles.” So that’s why I’ll say that the Silversun Pickups are as good as The Beatles.

When you see an audience clapping, it makes me feel like we’re animals. “I like that! I hit my hands!” It’s so dumb of us!

I wanna open a Jamaican, Irish, Spanish small plate, breakfast restaurant and call it “Tapas the Mornin’ to Jah!”

Neo-Nazi Supremes cover band called “The Supremacists”.