I would tell her to relax and not rush it.

Don't be afraid of life the way I was. Get married, start a family, you'll be fine. I waited way too long to do it and I have a lot of regret about that. It'll be the best thing you ever do.

For me, it’s not really about weight loss. Training just makes me sharper and mostly increases my endurance. let me put it to you all this way: Trying to be a standup comedian for 
a living, or beyond that, trying to pursue a life in comedy that has
 longevity and bredth, is crazily hard. Lots of folks say it takes 15, maybe 20 years to make a great comic.
 Lots of people start out with a lot of talent but by the time they hit
 that many years they’ve given up, become bitter and crusty or have died 
from ill health and depression. Outside of all that, it seems to me that if you’re trying to do
 something extraordinary, which succeeding as a comedian is, if only by 
virtue of the fact that...[Read more]

That's why I wrote to you, not to tell you to change anything about the way you do things, but just to tell you to take it easy. Nothing you do matters as much as you think. Your greatest achievements aren't yours at all, they're accidents and jokes. You're a puppet, the universe does the work, and it gets the most done when you're moving the least. Surrender, flow, relax. Don't be hard on yourself, don't put pressure on yourself, life is just a chain of experiments and results, and you'll be perfect when you're dead.

The next rule is “make statements” which is a positive way of saying don’t ask questions all the time … if we’re in a scene and I say “who are you?” or “where are we?” or “what’s in that box?”, I am putting all of the pressure on you to come up with the answers … in other words, whatever the problem, be part of the solution … don’t just sit around raising questions and putting up obstacles.

I suppose I am most proud of the fact that I am still here working in comedy and doing what I love. In life there are a lot of forces that can try to bring you down, but if you stick to your vision and keep at it, you will find success.

Well, I would say: Holy Ghost Power (you've got to be one of God's favorites, because he whispers in my ear EVERY Day). But here's the REAL answer: moderation, and do what you are supposed to do. Listen to that little voice. You'll be a lot less stressed. Most stress comes from the fact that we're lying to ourselves and the people around us. Follow your primal impulse. And realize that there's no escaping plain old death.

"Pay attention to what people do, not what they say."

My advice is when you move to a new area, put a rolled up newspaper under your shirt, knock on your neighbors doors and when they open it let them see the bulge under your shirt and tell them "this is what's up now". Then wink and snap your fingers and walk away.

[Are you a healthy comedian? - Louis asked this question to those in the "Alt Standup Comedy Google Group"] I know a lot of you out there have a diet that consists of Hardees and Taco Bell with the occasional frozen buffalo wings heated up in the condo microwave, and that your exercize regimen… doesn’t exist. Personally, one of the reasons I chose standup as a life is because it allowed me to lie on a floor for several hours eating lard and crying, only having to pull myself together for an hour a day or so. But if you want to have any longevity as a comedian, or if you want
 your brain and body to provide you with any consistent creative flow, 
you have to eat somewhat right and do some ex...[Read more]

I stopped blaming the world for my problems. You can only walk around so long being like, “Chicks, man. They’re psychos.” At some point you realize that you’re the common factor. I wasn’t exactly the easiest person to be around. I’m not the most sane person. But until you sit down and talk to somebody about your issues, they’re foreign to you. I realized I was pretty fucked-up.

After three years of reading youtube comments, I found one that didn't make me want to puke and kill myself. Some kid, talking to another kid underneath a music video: "first things first buddy, no matter how hard you try i guarantee you wont change the way anyone thinks or acts." If I could put that thought in everyone's head on a loop, I could save the world. But, like the kid says, I can't.

I saw a movie once where Spencer Tracy catches this woman about to kill herself — it's a pretty dark movie for the time — but I forget the name of the movie ["I Take This Woman"], but Spencer Tracy is on a boat and sees a rich, young girl about to throw herself off the boat because her fiance left her for another woman and he's trying to talk her out of suicide and he says to her, "Do you have a job? Do you have anything that you do in your life?" which was a funny thing to ask because she's, like, a 1920s socialite and she said, "No," and he said, "I think you should get a job, because it's very hard to be sad and useful at the same time." Ever since I saw that I keep that in my head. If y...[Read more]

How do you feel about homelessness?

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

My advice is work hard to accomplish your goals, stay humble and try to empathize with people who hurt you. Because you will be hurt by friends, family, partners and it will feel very intense because you're young. Think about how awful high school was and how it felt as though it would never end and you never even think about it now - I think our twenties will be like that too.

Andre Gregory, the theatre director and writer, once told me that the world wants you cynical. To keep your heart open to possibility. I really took that to heart. The world needs hope, service, humor and love. It's way too easy to stay jaded and cynical and pessimistic. Such an easy fall-back position - anyone can do it.

I probably wouldn't tell me shit. I would probably say, "Good luck, bitch!" One of the most fascinating lessons I've absorbed about life is that the struggle is good. You can't know tomorrow, because if you did you would never go about trying to create it the same way. The uncertainty and doubt that fuck with our minds are the same forces that make accomplishments and achievements so fucking amazing when you pull them off. It's almost like life has to suck sometimes to appreciate what's cool. My 20 year old self would have to figure out all this shit the hard way, just like I did. Just like I'm still doing today. If I could go forward in time to when I'm 90 I would probably give the me of t...[Read more]

A person once said to me that the homeless never get touched and that without human touch, the mind veers toward madness. So the homeless people I approach, I always give my money to, whatever it is I have, and I always hug them or touch them.

Q: You seem like the kind of guy that doesn’t give too much of a shit about what anyone thinks. What's your best advice on handling or taking criticism? A: Well, you're wrong. It's kind of the opposite...I only give a shit about what anyone thinks. So much so that I've been through stuff where I had to just face the painful fact that a lot of people aren't going to be predisposed to like me...and that the harder I try to CHANGE that, the less likable I become. At a certain point I think a lot of us make the practical calculation, and say "well, I'm not really getting anywhere trying to justify myself to anyone...and come to think of it, people justifying themselves to me aren't my favorite ...[Read more]