Doug Stanhope

He [Joey Scazzola] said ‘Never give anyone advice because you’re only telling them how to be more like you.’ Every time I’ve erred and given someone advice, I remembered that. If you want advice, you most likely just want someone to reassure you of what you already know. If they tell you otherwise, you’ll either discount it or you’ll take their advice and no longer be following the instincts that got you in this to begin with. So either way, you didn’t need the advice. But if you really want the advice anyway, you can get it very easily for free without going far out of your way. If there’s one thing that you never have to pay for, it’s some other jerk-offs opinion.

[In reply to Louis CK, who was leading a discussion about the importance of maintaining a physical training routine and its relation to comedy] Louis, I concur that poor health leads to sloth and effects your creativity.
Repeating any behavior continually will effect your writing as it gives 
you nothing new to say. I do drugs, yes I do but I only do them socially. Its the fact that I
 talk openly about it that gives the impression that there is a
 frequency. I’ve probably done mushrooms 6 times this year, acid once
 (poor quality), coke maybe 5 or 6 times, and about three xanax a week
to sleep. I dont smoke pot. So smokes and drink are about my only habits and the cigarettes 
certainly n...[Read more]

[In response to Louis CK's question: Are you a healthy comedian?] I try to do coke a couple times a month to get my heart rate up though Viagra can really get the ticker running at high speed especially if you are trying to come while you’re extraordinarily drunk. Cialis to a lesser extent but for a longer duration. Often times on the road I will take very long walks when I wake up and
 don’t know where I am and need to get back to my hotel. Terror can at times be a great replacement for a sauna to help you 
sweat out the toxins. Sushi is very healthy I’ve heard and will help clean out your system 
the longer you leave it sitting around before consumption. Dry heaves
 help keep the abs ti...[Read more]

What’s more important than making a crowd laugh is to make the lady at the ticket counter at the airline laugh when the flight’s oversold, cancelled or the weather’s bad. If you can make her laugh when everyone else is giving her shit, it’s way more satisfying.

You need to steal things at work. People are going to think I don’t mean them, but I do. This is addressed to you. If there are people you hate at work go into the break room, find their lunch in the refrigerator and put it in the freezer.

Finished [Running the Light by Sam Tallent]. One of the best books I've read. Ever. Especially if you're a comedian.