I always loved stand up but didn't think it was possible. Hollywood seemed a zillion miles away. It wasn't until I was working at a warehouse and I met a guy who was on my level in stand up, we used to go out drinking and get a buzz going and watch stand up in the clubs together. He said to me one night, "Bill we're funnier than a lot of these guys." And he said one day he'd take a shot of Jack and get up on the stage and do it. And I thought if he could do that, I could too. I was emotionally beat down in my life at that point and just couldn't imagine it. But thank god he said that. I went after it and learned to speak up, instead of keeping quiet.

I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way. seriously this is the real answer.

i once was a caller for a boat tours company in chicago where i would yell at people walking by to take the tour. that sucked!

I had a few jobs when I was young. I worked as a bag boy, a dishwasher, a salad chef, a carpet cleaner and a cardiologist.

I sometimes think that it would be fun to be a lawyer because I find a lot of what I do in my podcast, Comedy Bang! Bang!, is what I call comedy lawyering, where I’m sitting there cross-examining the other person to try to lead to something funny. I know a lot of being a lawyer isn’t like that, it’s just a lot of court appearances where you’re scheduling arraignments and stuff like that, but maybe an old Southern country lawyer that’s, like, fanning himself with a newspaper in a hot courtroom.

Before I had Wyatt, I would've been a teacher. I would have taught like first grade.

I wanted to be a lawyer and argue cases of civil rights before the supreme court. Or a car mechanic. I would have sucked at both.

Sleep? If I could do anything else? Gosh, I don't know, I mean... I feel like being a writer would be fun and I sometimes look at chefs and think there might be something appealing. I don't cook at all, but I feel like when I've met chefs that there is a similar obsessive kind of nuance, disposable quality to their work that seems appealing but... I don't know, I think creative fulfillment is pretty important so I would have to do something that would provide some creative fulfillment.

I'd be a history teacher. Love history. And always writing fiction, if I was getting paid or not.

be a lawyer or work for my brother. he has a tree company and i always wanted to work for him. i dont know, havent been to em all. jury is out.

id be one of those annoying people who try to be funny all the time at their not funny job, like the joke-y dentist or something. i hope i'd be a crazy dog lady/dog trainer.

If I didn't go into comedy, I'd probably work at UPS or Fedex. I'd be the funny Fedex guy. But that would be what I'd be doing, probably.

I would be a psychologist and not as happy or affecting to humanity. Sad face.

Writing young-adult novels in a cabin. It was not a cool plan, but it’s what I wanted to do when I was a kid.