Posts tagged 'Favorite jokes' (19)

Favorite joke

Why does Pinochio lie? Because he's a fucking liar.


I think the best Seinfeld episode idea I ever contributed was that George pretending to be a marine biologist would find Kramer's golf ball in the blowhole of the whale. Believe it or not, we were doing both of those stories without seeing any connection that Kramer was gonna hit golf balls at the beach, and George was gonna be pretending to be a marine biologist. And it was in the middle of the week that it suddenly hit me of a way to connect the two stories. So, I think that's probably the best joke I ever thought of on the series. But, I love when people say "regift" or "giddyup", or "yadda yadda". The real and spectacular...I was a very big fan of the show.
I never have a good answer for this. Any joke by Dave Attel, Todd Glass or Mitch Hedberg probably. Also Paul F Tompkins joke about Fabio is way high up there.
Ali Wong's entire Netflix special is my favorite joke. It's just so real and so funny and so perfect.
I think a couple of really funny ones would be Larry Miller's Five Stages of Drinking; another funny one would be George Carlin's Chunk on Suicide. Bob Newhart had a lot of funny bits. Phyllis Diller I remember vividly as a kid really, getting a kick out of that self-effacing approach. Jonathan Winters and Carol Burnett had a big impact on me too.
There's so, so, so many. But Mitch Hedberg's... "I use to do drugs... I still do... but I use to, too." And while we're quoting Mitch Hedberg jokes here's another one... "I saw a sign that said escalator temporarily broke... shouldn't it have said escalator temporarily stairs."
The sketch I was the most proud of was probably one called Do You Go Runnin Round Re Ro and it was a take on British Gangster movies and how we Americans can't understand what the actors are saying with those thick Yorkshire accents and all.
Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer is amazing. Probably my favorite sketch. There's another Jack Handy one called "Deerheads" with Harvey Keitel that's sublime.
I have this "Paul Is The King" joke that I love but never works. However, I think the best piece of material I have ever written in my "women are afraid of my because I know so much about giraffes." It's funny on so many levels I can't count them, because i'm not as tall as a giraffe, the tallest land mammal.
I think Jonah from Summer Heights High...And Jordan Peele's "Wendell" from the Pizza Ordering sketch, Fred and Carrie being the bookstore owners, and Will Forte's character where he gives toasts at weddings.
Eddie Murphy's rant about his day. Richard Pryor's joke about the monkey fucking him in the air. Bill Cosby's joke about his wife and kids. Dave Chapelle's joke about the little baby that was selling weed, that was pretty funny too. Just to name a few.
The first time I heard "Pornstars!" It was the Jonah Hill episode. "One time I thought I banged Seal Team Six... but it was actually just sixteen seals. I was like, 'Thanks, America!'" I remember I made them keep that joke in there!
I liked that line that Tommy Lee Jones' character had in Lincoln. Someone knocked on his door and he yelled, "It opens!"
Because of the episode where we used all of the outtakes, you pretty much got to see all of the stuff that cracked us up. People always talk about Chappelle's Show being quotable. Dave and I will quote it ourselves, but it's more obscure stuff. Like Rick James saying, "People think I do things just to do them. I got a little more sense than that. Yes I remember putting my feet on Eddie's couch." Dave and I will meet for coffee and say shit like, "People think I do things just to do them. I got a little more sense than that. Yes I remember going to get coffee with Neal." It's pretty stupid.
I have hundreds of great jokes, I live for great jokes. Here's a current one. Man goes to a doctor, and he says "I have bad news, and worse news." The doctor says "The bad news is, you have cancer." The patient says "That's terrible! What's the worst news?" The doctor says "You also have Alzheimer's" And the patient says "thank god I don't have cancer!"