I was out of dish detergent, so I tried to use dish soap, which was a disaster. And then I ran out of ranch dressing, so I used dish soap. Disaster. And then because I was using so much dish soap, I ran out, so I tried to clean dishes with peanut butter. Success!

This is just an argument that I will start with someone cause it will always make them angry: The Beatles are only as good as they are because they got to play it first, cause a lot of music wasn’t already taken. So if you take the Silversun Pickups, who I don’t like that much but they are musicians and they are a band. I think if they were born in Liverpool in 1950s whatever, they would’ve discovered “hey maybe if we distort our guitars and shout a little bit.” They could’ve done that and we would’ve been like “Oh, they’re The Beatles.” So that’s why I’ll say that the Silversun Pickups are as good as The Beatles.

Anything’s a toilet if you shit on it!

Do you ever wonder if you’ll ever fall down again? It sucks that you can’t avoid that.

I’m not gay but my asshole is.

I like a vagina to be nice and bald. Nothing makes my penis harder than when a girl’s vagina looks like a baby’s butt.

Just call half and half “one”!

My therapist told me to look inward, and I thought he said “Look, N-word.”

What do you get when you cross the holocaust with a baby-clothing store? Oshkosh B’g-Auschwitz.

Harris: This is just true: My uncle had a store that he sold drums and sofas in. (I’m gonna leave that preposition dangling). He charged people percussion. My other uncle, his brother, my dad, worked at a store that sold Shakespeare plays and brass instruments, and that store was called “Tuba or Not Tuba.” And then his brother, my uncle (the first guy) he took a cue from my dad, from “Tuba or Not Tuba.” (These all failed on the first day.) They opened a sushi restaurant together called “Tuna or Not Tuna” and that really doesn’t make any sense unless you’ve heard of the first store. A lot of people didn’t know that and it just tanked within the first hour. Scott: Wait, is “tanked” the joke, ...[Read more]

Where there’s a will there’s a Wayans.

A lot of people ask me if I’ve ever tried to suck my own dick. And no, I haven’t! Cause I can’t!

This character was inspired by Friday Night Lights. It’s a shy, Texan teenager who’s trying to get his coach’s attention: “Cayouch! Cayouch! Cayouch? Cayouch! Cayouch? Cayouch! Excuse me, cayouch?”

I’ve seen Julianne Moore’s tits more than my own penis!

Shouldn’t Planned Parenthood be called “Unplanned Parenthood”?

I was out of dish detergent, so I tried to use dish soap, which was a disaster. And then I ran out of ranch dressing, so I used dish soap. Disaster. And then because I was using so much dish soap, I ran out, so I tried to clean dishes with peanut butter. Success!

I think that an e-mail should be called an e-letter. You say, “I just got an e-mail”, but you wouldn’t say “I just got a mail.” You’d sound stupid.

I jerked off on Mulholland Drive once. It was beautiful.

This is a new character, he’s called Harvey Dangerfield: “I’m not sick but I’m not well, I get no respect!” That’s it.

I like a vagina to be nice and bald. Nothing makes my penis harder than when a girl’s vagina looks like a baby’s butt.