Did I tell you I went window-shopping in New York last week? I bought a window.

I’ve decided that I’m not gonna get married until gay people can get married. Cause I’m gay!

My friend can’t read and he’s trying to be a DJ. His DJ name is JD Dyslexic.

When is it not okay to jerk off to someone based off their memory?

This is my impression of a good dentist with a good family: “Getting my son to clean his room is like pulling teeth! Really easy!”

This character was inspired by Friday Night Lights. It’s a shy, Texan teenager who’s trying to get his coach’s attention: “Cayouch! Cayouch! Cayouch? Cayouch! Cayouch? Cayouch! Excuse me, cayouch?”

It’s just like the movie Synecdoche, New York: too many characters!

I went to a Jack-in-the-Box that was open 24 hours and I got there at the 26th hour and it was closed.

Wifi? Because-fi.

It’s weird that pineapple supposedly makes your semen taste better, yet semen makes pineapple taste terrible!

I jerked off on Mulholland Drive once. It was beautiful.

I think there should be a contraption for putting on socks. But wouldn’t that be cool if there were two socks upright in this metal bracket on the ground and you just put your feet into it.

Harris: This is just true: My uncle had a store that he sold drums and sofas in. (I’m gonna leave that preposition dangling). He charged people percussion. My other uncle, his brother, my dad, worked at a store that sold Shakespeare plays and brass instruments, and that store was called “Tuba or Not Tuba.” And then his brother, my uncle (the first guy) he took a cue from my dad, from “Tuba or Not Tuba.” (These all failed on the first day.) They opened a sushi restaurant together called “Tuna or Not Tuna” and that really doesn’t make any sense unless you’ve heard of the first store. A lot of people didn’t know that and it just tanked within the first hour. Scott: Wait, is “tanked” the joke, ...[Read more]

I hate smoking sections, unless we’re talking about the movie The Mask, with Jim Carrey. Then the smoking section is my favorite part!

I think it’s insane that car radios exist. Period. All it is, it’s only a distraction. Like “oh I’m bored driving this two ton piece of metal, I should be able to do another activity”? And that car companies are like “Yes, this is a standard thing, this distraction we’ll put in your car.” We should only be driving like “whoa!!” the whole time!

I went to a Jack-in-the-Box that was open 24 hours and I got there at the 26th hour and it was closed.

ISIS, You SIS, We all SIS for Ice Chris.

Can I leave on a good invention I thought of? Food tape: it’s like edible adhesive tape that you can put around ice cream cones, or your sandwiches if they break, or your tacos, and it’s edible and flavorless. Oh, but there’s a slogan too: “Cause food breaks!”

I’ve seen Julianne Moore’s tits more than my own penis!

Does anyone genuinely know why at grocery stores they offer a cash back option? Is that just to be nice? That’s like the bank offering you zucchinis!