It’s just like the movie Synecdoche, New York: too many characters!

You know how people over-pronounce something they’ll go “HW-eat thin!” or “HW-ile.” That’s a thing that proper folk do. But it should be “W-Heat thin” or “W-Hile”. Why does the H come before the W just because you’re pronouncing it like that?

I don’t trust the whole crepe craze. (First of all, there’s a crepe craze. Second of all, I don’t trust it). I don’t trust anything you can put ham or chocolate on. (That was a joke about dangling prepositions!)

I hate smoking sections, unless we’re talking about the movie The Mask, with Jim Carrey. Then the smoking section is my favorite part!

When someone talks about like, “I just met this girl and she was down for whatever.” That just means like ass fucking. That’s the only other thing!

What do you get when you cross the holocaust with a baby-clothing store? Oshkosh B’g-Auschwitz.

That guy I was telling you about, my friend in high school that did heroin? He was a good student, and he did do a lot of heroin and with used needles. He got straight aids.

My friend can’t read and he’s trying to be a DJ. His DJ name is JD Dyslexic.

I’m actually pretty sad. My therapist died a couple days ago and I have no one to talk to about it. When I get really sad like this, I find solace in just thinking that my wife probably won’t be born for another 30 years.

Harris: This is just true: My uncle had a store that he sold drums and sofas in. (I’m gonna leave that preposition dangling). He charged people percussion. My other uncle, his brother, my dad, worked at a store that sold Shakespeare plays and brass instruments, and that store was called “Tuba or Not Tuba.” And then his brother, my uncle (the first guy) he took a cue from my dad, from “Tuba or Not Tuba.” (These all failed on the first day.) They opened a sushi restaurant together called “Tuna or Not Tuna” and that really doesn’t make any sense unless you’ve heard of the first store. A lot of people didn’t know that and it just tanked within the first hour. Scott: Wait, is “tanked” the joke, ...[Read more]

Shouldn’t Planned Parenthood be called “Unplanned Parenthood”?

Spit doesn’t smell bad unless you rub it in.

I’ve decided that I’m not gonna get married until gay people can get married. Cause I’m gay!

What’s Bill Cosby’s stance on jello shots? Conflicted? Probably.

I’m not impressed by juggling. Ok whatever you learned how to do that. That’s not a thing I chose to learn.

I know it’s not true, but I feel like twins get half the stuff in the womb.

Anything’s a toilet if you shit on it!

Do you ever wonder if you’ll ever fall down again? It sucks that you can’t avoid that.

Remember a time when everyone in America just seemed to have steak in their refrigerators, and they would put it on someone’s eye if they had a black eye? You don’t see that much anymore.

This is a true sidebar: I just saw that Jennifer Convertibles just opened up a car dealership. It’s called Jennifer Sofas.