I think that an e-mail should be called an e-letter. You say, “I just got an e-mail”, but you wouldn’t say “I just got a mail.” You’d sound stupid.

Church is just a book club about the bible.

In life, if someone farts it’s funny. If you go into a guy’s bathroom, everyone’s just farting and being very serious. Why is it not funny in there? It’s hilarious still!

I’m starting a campaign to change bygones into something. Everyone’s always trying to let them be bygones.

Hey Brussels sprouts and broccolini, enjoy your 15 minutes!

I just found out that McDonalds tortures their chickens; they boil them alive and slit their throats or something, and all sorts of crazy shit. But when I found this out I couldn’t believe it: that they use chicken in chicken nuggets, because I’ve never seen part of a chicken that is shaped naturally like a boot or an oval.

Do you think it would be cool if your dick could smell things?

Can I ask you a question, Scott? Cause I can’t find this anywhere. Is the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire?

I treated myself to a marathon jerk sesh last night. Not what it sounds like: I watched “The Jerk” twice while masturbating.

Hotel checkout is 11 but check in is 3, so … the fuck? I imagine it’s for cleaning but it doesn’t take that long to clean. I guess just make check out later.

I’ve decided that I’m not gonna get married until gay people can get married. Cause I’m gay!

(I call this one “Fun with words”). I’ve said, “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again” before, but I’ll say, “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again” again.

People say, “I LOL’d”. It should be “L’d OL” because you don’t “laugh out loud-ed”. You laughed out loud.

I bought a book on how to read. That thing was impossible to get through! (Then Scott explains that they did that exact joke – but better – on his TV show).

Wheat thins? Call me when they’re Wheat THICKS! Gimme that wheat!

I don’t trust the whole crepe craze. (First of all, there’s a crepe craze. Second of all, I don’t trust it). I don’t trust anything you can put ham or chocolate on. (That was a joke about dangling prepositions!)

It’s weird that pineapple supposedly makes your semen taste better, yet semen makes pineapple taste terrible!

I’m actually pretty sad. My therapist died a couple days ago and I have no one to talk to about it. When I get really sad like this, I find solace in just thinking that my wife probably won’t be born for another 30 years.

This is just an argument that I will start with someone cause it will always make them angry: The Beatles are only as good as they are because they got to play it first, cause a lot of music wasn’t already taken. So if you take the Silversun Pickups, who I don’t like that much but they are musicians and they are a band. I think if they were born in Liverpool in 1950s whatever, they would’ve discovered “hey maybe if we distort our guitars and shout a little bit.” They could’ve done that and we would’ve been like “Oh, they’re The Beatles.” So that’s why I’ll say that the Silversun Pickups are as good as The Beatles.

Can I ask you a question, Scott? Cause I can’t find this anywhere. Is the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire?