It sucks knowing my kids will never know what it’s like to go to a Blockbuster. Cause I’m not letting ‘em go there. The prices are outrageous!

Rolling Stones, “Who Do You Love?” Grammatically a disaster. It should be “Whom Do You Love?

A watched pot never boils? Yes it does.

You know how everyone says if you’re gonna get a dog you should adopt it? All fucking dogs are adopted! No one shoots dogs out of their pussies. Unless you’re Mrs. Brodis, Snoop’s mom.

It’s silly that when you’re in a cold car and you want heat, cold air comes out first and it makes you colder. They should fix that!

I bought a backpack at a store yesterday and the woman at the register asked if I wanted a bag for it. I said “Lady, that’s what it is!”

Shouldn’t Planned Parenthood be called “Unplanned Parenthood”?

That’s tight, like oh so many assholes.

My friend can’t read and he’s trying to be a DJ. His DJ name is JD Dyslexic.

I treated myself to a marathon jerk sesh last night. Not what it sounds like: I watched “The Jerk” twice while masturbating.

I think that an e-mail should be called an e-letter. You say, “I just got an e-mail”, but you wouldn’t say “I just got a mail.” You’d sound stupid.

Harris: This is just true: My uncle had a store that he sold drums and sofas in. (I’m gonna leave that preposition dangling). He charged people percussion. My other uncle, his brother, my dad, worked at a store that sold Shakespeare plays and brass instruments, and that store was called “Tuba or Not Tuba.” And then his brother, my uncle (the first guy) he took a cue from my dad, from “Tuba or Not Tuba.” (These all failed on the first day.) They opened a sushi restaurant together called “Tuna or Not Tuna” and that really doesn’t make any sense unless you’ve heard of the first store. A lot of people didn’t know that and it just tanked within the first hour. Scott: Wait, is “tanked” the joke, ...[Read more]

That guy I was telling you about, my friend in high school that did heroin? He was a good student, and he did do a lot of heroin and with used needles. He got straight aids.

This is just an argument that I will start with someone cause it will always make them angry: The Beatles are only as good as they are because they got to play it first, cause a lot of music wasn’t already taken. So if you take the Silversun Pickups, who I don’t like that much but they are musicians and they are a band. I think if they were born in Liverpool in 1950s whatever, they would’ve discovered “hey maybe if we distort our guitars and shout a little bit.” They could’ve done that and we would’ve been like “Oh, they’re The Beatles.” So that’s why I’ll say that the Silversun Pickups are as good as The Beatles.

What’s Bill Cosby’s stance on jello shots? Conflicted? Probably.

Spit doesn’t smell bad unless you rub it in.

Hotel checkout is 11 but check in is 3, so … the fuck? I imagine it’s for cleaning but it doesn’t take that long to clean. I guess just make check out later.

If you’re looking for a book in the self-help section, and you can’t find it, do you ask? (That joke’s called “Shelf-help”).

Did you know I graduated college early? It was like 7 AM.

I’m not gay but my asshole is.